“It’s a nice day out huh?” “Did you see that TV show?”
Both items we’re all familiar with. Just the surface of conversation.
Sure they serve as good ice breakers, but are they necessary?
I prefer using “How’s it going?” or “How are you?”
However…
We know that no one gives that question an answer it deserves on first contact.
And of course we use it accordingly when we first meet someone, never really wanting or expecting a long answer.
But I think we can all agree that it’s not the pulp of meeting someone to hang out on the edge of conversation with surface talk.
How can we get to the good stuff? Comment Below!
Memories
The first and foremost way to get to the rest of the conversation is memories. What’s a better icebreaker?
“It’s looking sunny out today isn’t it?”
“How did that project you were working on go?”
People speak fluently about memories when the project they told you about is something that they physically did since the last time they saw you. If they lie about that project, too drunk to remember what they told you, or never got around to doing it, you still connect on the fact that you remembered. You remembered a fact about the person whom you want to connect with, and on a basic level us humans appreciate that.
Obviously the project can change to a number of things you’ve heard they were doing, they told you they were doing, or even a shared past memory with starter sentence being “Remember that time when,” or “How did that night end for you?”
This only works for people you already met in the past, so what about the first meet?
People love to talk about themselves.
A wise man (and a few other friends) once told me,
that people love to talk about themselves. “All you have to say is, what else? and Tell me more”
is what one friend told me.
Which is what led me to a quote that some of my high school friends might remember. It was a conversation I had with a friend of mine that sounded like this:
Friend: “Ryan, you ask a lot of questions!”
Me: “You don’t ask enough questions.”
Me: “Questions are the heart of conversation”
Friend: “Whoa. That’s deep.”
Questions
Ask a ton of them. Place your feet in the shoes of the other person while you ask them.
How would you answer the same questions?
Asking questions is the heart of conversation
CAUTION: NEXT SECTION FOR ADVANCED ONLY
THE REAL HOW TO:
Your brain creates emotions at the amygdala (at the very bottom of the brain) first that get analyzed later by the neocortex.
This is seen through evolution as our upper layers of brain were being produced for analyzing.
As a result, feelings and emotions get us to act faster, remember better, and in the case of happiness, produce more and work harder.
We buy things from emotional stances a lot of times. That’s why some people get addicted to the feeling of shopping. We impulse buy things that we don’t need because of emotional triggers that the salesman used well. In that case, proving that you act faster from emotions.
We remember better when theres an emotion attached to an event. This is because the subconscious areas of our brain are ignited from the bottom up with emotions. (the amygdala is at the very bottom of the brain)
There are also times when the amygdala creates emotions such as fear or surprise, and they take a direct shortcut to the thalamus causing us to act right away, and analyze much later. For instance: running away from a noise in a closet only to realize moments later that a broom just fell over.
This can all be used to get better conversations, I promise.
So what does this have to do with questions and conversations?
How can you use this information right now?
Ask questions, live out your answer to the same question. Practice empathy by putting yourself in the other persons shoes.
You should actively listen to the person you are speaking to, so you can imagine being in their full situation. People love that, and will really open up to you when you actively listen. You’ll also have better insights for them, and might be able to help them think twice about some areas of their life. Conversations become deep and meaningful. This is the essence of life coaching.
You are almost guaranteed to remember it at this point. I’ve done this drunk, and have a better memory than other drunks have been known for. Empathy mixed with active listening is what helps you remember, and helps the other person open up.
Next time you see that person, you can ask them about something from a question you asked them last time you saw them. Because you lived out your answer to the same question…and people don’t forget those deep conversations.
When you “live out”, you fantasize. Create events in your mind.
This study has shown that when you create events in your mind, it ignites the same areas of the brain as living the events does. It ignites the same exact muscles, in the same order as if you were really running the 5k that you never left your couch to run.
When there is an emotion tied to an event it ignites the amygdala first and sends the rest of the brain the same(sometimes even more powerful) message.
Even though you are acting out your answer to the question, it’s much easier to remember the other persons, because 90% of the time, you will spark an amazing conversation about reacting differently to a problem. That is the power of empathy! (post about empathy coming soon)
This makes it so much easier to have conversations and relationships that truly matter!
The whole thing looks like this.
To break the ice faster and know people better now:
Ask Great Questions
Live the Answer – (Practice Empathy)
Remember the answers.
Memories are great ice breakers!
This is one way to get past the small talk in record time! What’s your way of getting to know someone very well quickly? Comment Below!